**WARNING: ANOTHER LENGTHY (and I mean lengthy!) POST IS COMING YOUR WAY** 🙂
So it seems that the 21st of May (’17) was the last time I posted anything on here, which may not seem such a long time to some but to me it feels like an eternity. My blog is my safe place; somewhere I come to share my thoughts, my feelings and more often than not my shopping basket. It wasn’t so long ago that I shared my FINALLY STARTING TO LOVE MYSELF AGAIN post with you, so if you have already read that and are now reading this I feel in some ways I am going to completely contradict myself in this post… but I can explain. I want to tell you where I have been, what I have been doing and most importantly how I have been feeling.
There are so many things I want to say, I just don’t physically know how to say them or even put them into words but I am going to try.
I am someone who believes in positivity, I believe everything happens for a reason and that negativity will only attract the negatives. I like to say thank you to the stranger who held the door open for me or to put my hand up in the car to say thank you because they gave way to me, I like giving my friend’s advice when they are having boyfriend troubles and I like to sit at my dining table typing up a post about my new favourite bath bomb, simply because the little things makes me happy. That said, if you had asked me a few weeks ago if I felt happy, positive or like I had everything to live for… my answer? No.
No, I didn’t feel happy. No, I didn’t feel positive. & No, I didn’t feel like I had everything to live for.
I just felt like my whole life was going from bad to worse and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I went to work every day, I painted on a smile every morning and then I washed it straight back off as soon as I got home because I knew I didn’t have to pretend to be happy anymore. Then it came to the weekends and I didn’t want to do anything, I would either have to force myself to get out of my pyjamas and go out to keep my mind busy or I would just give up and let that horrible, sad, lonely feeling take over me. So I’d just lie on the sofa all day feeling sorry for myself. I lost interest in absolutely everything, my work life, my home life, my blog, going to the gym, everything. Then Monday came and I would have to do it all over again, I was living in this never-ending cycle that I was desperate to get out of.
However, a couple of Fridays ago I hit the lowest point of my entire life.
It was just a normal Friday night after work, I was sitting watching TV with Darren and somehow we started talking about how I had been feeling over the past few weeks and suddenly it hit me, it hit me just how sad I really was. I had stopped myself from crying almost every other day, so by this point I was ready to burst… and I finally did. I cried and cried and cried, I cried so uncontrollably that I didn’t know how to stop. I started saying things like, “I don’t know what to do anymore”, “I don’t know what is wrong with me” and “I don’t want to feel like this anymore”.
You know when people say “my heart aches”… well I never really got how that was actually possible. Now I get it, I totally get it. While I was crying my heart was physically aching and felt like it was about to break at any second, my whole body was in so much pain. I just felt so low and had already convinced myself that I was never going to shake this feeling off.
I didn’t have the best weekend after that but I felt better about crying. It just felt like such a relief after keeping it all bottled up for so long. I still didn’t feel like doing anything, still no blogging, vlogging or even getting dressed for the day, so I just slumped all day.
So on Sunday evening I lay on my bed and decided to seriously think about everything. I thought about all the things that were going on in my life, what could be making me feel this down and what the heck I was going to do about it… and that was the answer, I had to do something about it. The only person standing in the way of my happiness was me.
Monday morning came with my alarm waking me up at 5:30 in the morning (yes I’m mental, I know) and instead of pressing the snooze button and shoving my head back under the pillows, I got myself up and headed to the gym before work.
Now, I am the last person to say that I actually enjoy exercising because I really don’t, I can’t run to save my life and I can just about lift a tin of beans by myself. However, it always helps me to focus my mind on something other than being down in the dumps and I thought what better way to start off my working week than with an early morning workout. It really did set me up for the day, I felt so refreshed and energetic that I didn’t actually have time to feel sad.
I was finally starting to go about my day with a real smile and not one that I had forced myself to wear. I’m not going to lie to you and say I feel absolutely 100% amazingly great, because I don’t, but I do feel happier. I have taken a few steps to changing the way I see my life and myself. I am now going back to the gym every other day to focus my mind, I have bought myself a mindfulness colouring book and I sit and colour for an hour or so each night after work and I am even going to see someone this week just so I can talk about my feelings and get everything off my chest. Remember what I said before, it’s the little things that make me happy. 🙂
I finally feel like I am getting my positive mojo back and without that I wouldn’t have even felt like I could sit here and type this post up for you to read, but I have and I’m glad. I’m glad I have shared this part of my life with you because I know quite a few of us can have our down days, which can then turn into constant down days and I have found the best way to start dealing with it is to just talk to someone, tell them how you’re feeling and cry your eyes out if you have to because those around you want to help you, they want you to be happy.
The one thing I am 100% happy about is being back in the blogging world, I have missed this feeling so much. So get ready for a lot more posts coming your way, oh and how could I forget… I finally got my own domain name!!! & I couldn’t be happier, finally my little blog has its own identity! So whether you’re new around here or not, WELCOME to Xandra Rose. 🙂 xo